#i think about deleting it

[missproducergirl]

beloved - kiro (ml;qc)

pairing: kiro x reader

genre: angst, fluff

summary: kiro remembers master key's words about being surrounded with loved ones and questions who are his loved ones supposed to be.

word count: 3,539

notes: happy birthday to my #1 husband! i am so sad about the lack of kiro fics recently T-T. i pray that the ml;qc tumblr fandom has a recession because i miss those fics dearly. anyways, here is my yearly installment on kiro's birthday! it is a bit rushed but i hope it's at least bearable to read ahah...

As the final piano notes chimed, the crowd split into a shower of adoring cheers. An enchanting smile broke Kiro’s face as the golden-colored confetti slowly rained down on him. Some of it landed in his honey curls, but he didn’t care. His eyes were fiery and his breath was uneven, yet, even in his disheveled appearance, Kiro seemed like a statue sculpted by the gentle hands of an artist.

An angel.

A star.

The audience’s applause died down. There was a moment of silence, and just as Kiro was about to announce his final song, he was overcome with a chill.

“Happy birthday to you…”

A small voice broke out from the mass. It was small and delicate at first, a bit unsteady and clumsy. But soon, more people started merging in on the short celebration.

“Happy birthday to you…”

Kiro’s heart felt as if it was about to burst out of his chest. The sea of golden lights from the audience reflected in his eyes, softening them. It felt as if the universe had gifted him a personal night sky.

“Happy birthday dear Kiro…”

Their voices were merged into a mighty unison. Like a powerful river sweeping up everything in its way, they swept up Kiro’s heart in their current. It took everything in him not to burst out into tears.

“Happy birthday to you…”

Thunderous applause rang out throughout the stadium once again. Except, this time they were not praising Kiro for his melodic voice, his fluent dancing skills, or even his handsome looks. Right now, they were honoring him for simply existing. Because on this day, 21-and-something years ago, a star was born.

“Thank you… Thank you, everyone. Truly and sincerely, thank you.”

Kiro could not find the words that could come close to describing his gratitude. How could he put it into terms that this specific moment was the sole purpose of his existence? How could he express the prolonged and dreadful nights of his youth, falling asleep completely alone on his bed with no one to remember his birthday? How could he convey the hours in class, daydreaming about being on stage exactly like in this moment? How could he explain the unnerving feeling that after his life would end… the only ones mourning his death would be the tranquil feathers in the lake and the stars that left behind a trail of tears as they fell from the heavens in grieving memory of him. Yet now, his fears were drowned out by the people who idolized him. Each proclamation of their love washed away the suspicions of his heart bit by bit.

Oh, how he wished he could have gone back in time and told himself that all of his struggles would finally pay off. That all of the torture and the disappearances and the disarray and the heartache would paint this moment in unspeakable magnificence.

There was only so much Kiro could say to reciprocate their overwhelming love. To make up for it, in his heart, Kiro renewed the promise that he made to himself all those years ago. He will push himself to new limits—pour his heart into every song and implement a piece of his soul into every performance to make sure they knew that he felt the same way about them.

With those overwhelmingly inspiring emotions, Kiro finished his concert.

His agent was the first one to greet him as soon as he stepped backstage.

“Kiro, happy birthday! You didn’t think I would forget, did you? Here… I got you a little something,” Savin shoved a little brown paper bag into Kiro’s hands.

Kiro couldn’t help but peek inside. It was a mini orange cake with a big purple flower on the top. It was quite cute.

“My oh my, Savin. Since when are you the one to appeal to my sweet tooth?”

“Don’t get too happy just yet. This is the only time I will allow this. You may eat anything you want today—but don’t eat too much. You must remember that you still have one more concert to perform at.”

“Yeah, yeah, Savin… I know…”

Savin’s serious face finally broke into a smile as he ruffled Kiro’s hair, “Happy birthday, Kiro. You’re a good kid… really. I am very honored to be working with you.”

The rest of the crew finally caught up with Savin and gathered around Kiro, congratulating him.

“Wow! You’re 21 years old today! That’s a special age.”

“You’re all grown up now Kiro.”

“You should’ve told us beforehand that it was your birthday, Kiro! We would’ve prepared something for you.”

Kiro’s grin never left his face, “There’s no need… really. Everything I need to be happy is already right here.”

It would kill him to admit it, but in reality, Kiro hadn’t remembered that it was his birthday until the birthday song just a few moments ago. He couldn’t help but feel a little bit guilty about this. After all, it was Master Key—his savior—that gave this day to him. It felt almost disrespectful not to honor it. When his personhood had been stripped of him as he was taken to that horrid place in his youth—it was Master Key who had given back the identity that he was robbed of. Of course, he couldn’t tell anyone that. He kept it a secret through most of his life, so how would he be able to speak of it now?

“Alright everyone, settle down,” Savin spoke through the commotion, “Kiro, let’s get you home. You’ve worked so hard today, you deserve some rest.”

“But don’t you guys need my help to clean up?”

“No… I insist. Let’s go back.”

***

Kiro sat in the passenger's seat as the car sped down the road. It was quite late already, and the streets were mostly clear aside from a few lone travelers.

As he looked outside at the passing city lights, Kiro couldn’t help but remember his words from earlier.

“Everything I need to be happy is already right here.”

He couldn’t help but ponder whether he actually believed that statement, or perhaps was simply deceiving himself. On one hand, he was content with the life he was currently leading. But on the other—if he were to imagine a perfect world… Master Key would surely have been right here beside him. And that girl from the orphanage… yeah, it would’ve been nice if she was with him at this special moment too—

“We’re here.”

Savin’s voice snapped Kiro out of his deep thought. He hadn’t even realized that they were already parked outside of his hotel.

“Oh… yeah.”

Kiro dug around in the backseat to find his dance bag. He then clutched at Savin’s gift and was about to leave when—

“Hey. Do you wanna… come in?” Kiro suddenly asked once he realized that his agent did not move an inch, hands still firmly placed on the steering wheel as if he was trying to make a speedy escape.

Savin sighed, “I would love to stay longer, but I have to get back to the venue. I have to make sure that the clean-up goes smoothly.”

“I can wait for you to get back.”

“Then I need to plan out your schedule for next month when you get back to Loveland,” upon seeing Kiro’s sullen face, he quickly added, “I’m sorry. Believe me when I say that I would much rather spend time with you than plan schedules… but I simply can’t. I’ll make it up to you next week when you go on break. Just tell me where you want to go and we’ll do it. Just not tonight… Please… don’t be upset.”

There was an awkward pause between the two of them. A moment that stretched out for too long. When suddenly, Kiro broke out into a laugh.

“Alright, but I’ll remember that. I’ll make sure we go to every bakery in the city. And… you cannot go back on your word.”

Savin sighed, this time with relief, “Of course. Have a good night Kiro. Go to bed early today, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Take care now.”

Savin’s SUV pulled out of the parking lot hurriedly. It sped off into the distance… and Kiro’s smile disappeared along with it.

***

Kiro never noticed it before, but his hotel room seemed overwhelmingly quiet at this moment. He would have simply ridden it off as a dramatic contrast in volume between the calmness of his room and the intensity of the concert… yet he couldn’t help but think that this feeling had nothing to do with volume at all.

Kiro dropped off his bags by the door and then desperately powered on the TV in hopes of getting rid of this uneasy emotion in his chest. This proved to be effective, but only by a mere fraction. Soon, the TV was nothing but a minor buzz in the background, and the silence swallowed him whole again.

He stood there in the middle of everything, the smile that was on his face merely a few minutes ago had disappeared, instead replacing his features with an apathetic look. His eyes—which were once so bright now had their light extinguished, leaving only a pitiable gloom.

No… no, wait…

Kiro shook his head as if to reset his thoughts. He wasn’t going to wallow in self-pity and ruin this joyful day for himself. After all, he was supposed to be optimistic. That is what Master Key would have wanted. That is what everyone wants. And perhaps… that was what he wants as well.

Kiro suddenly remembered the mini cake that Savin had given him. Perhaps that would make him feel a little better. After all, sweets always seemed to lift his mood.

He quickly took it out of the brown paper bag and set it down on the little kitchen island. He didn’t have a candle to light, but that didn’t seem to matter at this moment. Kiro clasped his hands together, and, as if to not disturb this fragile atmosphere, began to hum in a quiet voice.

“Happy birthday to you…”

“Kiro, you must remember this day. I might not be the one who’ll spend every 9th of April with you in the future, but I hope that you will always be in the company of loved ones.”

“Happy birthday to you…”

“Loved ones… Will they be by my side?”

“Happy birthday dear Kiro…”

“Of course. Because Kiro is the most awesome and the cutest kid in the world.”

“Happy birthday to—”

Kiro suddenly paused as he remembered this dialogue he had with Master Key all those years ago.

Loved ones…? Who… were his loved ones? Before, Kiro had thought that the whole world were his loved ones. But if he were to believe what Master Key had said, his loved ones were the people who celebrated his birthdays with him.

It was at this moment that it dawned on Kiro that he was completely alone in the small hotel room.

His hands slightly trembled and his vision blurred with tears.

No… this can’t be it. Had the moments of bliss just a few hours ago been nothing but an illusion? Why had he felt that when he was up on stage, all of the things that troubled him simply faded away? But now that he was in his room, far away from the lights and the confetti and the persona of Kiro, he was brought back to face with the things that he thought he would never have to confront again. Where were all of his adoring fans? All of the people who supported him? Everyone that loved and idolized him?

Where were his loved ones?

They sure weren’t here now.

When the spotlight faded, they all went back to their lives, their homes, their families. Only Kiro had no one to return to but an empty hotel room.

No… this can’t be it!

Disregarding the cake on the table, Kiro shot up from his seat and grabbed the first coat that he could find in his suitcase. He then jolted out the door and within a few moments, he was running down the barren sidewalk. For the first time, Kiro was thankful for the intense exercises that he was forced to put up with every day. He was sure that he had enough stamina to make it to the stadium without stopping. Luckily, it wasn’t that far from his hotel either.

Kiro had managed to put on his coat on the way here, but as soon as he stepped through the entrance to the stadium, he felt hot again.

A few coworkers had thrown him bewildered gazes.

“Kiro? What are you doing here back here? Didn’t Savin drop you off at the hotel?”

Kiro hadn’t heard the person who spoke to him, instead he continued running as if his life depended on it.

Finally, he made it up to the stage. Face flushed red, he doubled over and tried to catch his breath again.

The radiant lights had been turned off for a long time already, and the audience had been replaced with nothing but empty seats, but this would have to do for now. After all, it was lucky that they hadn’t started dismantling the stage.

When he could finally stand straight again, Kiro took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tried to imagine the rows of seats filled with people again. The way their cheers stirred ripples in his heart. The way they shouted his name in awe. The way the world was his and his alone when he stood here.

But no matter how long Kiro stood on that bare stage, or how hard he tried to concentrate, that feeling of satisfaction never came.

With a heavy heart and a single sigh, Kiro laid down. When he opened his eyes again, the empty audience stared back at him, as still and eerie as a graveyard. It felt as if the silence was purposefully mocking him—picking at his insecurities, throwing salt into the wound.

He turned away and closed his eyes once again, embracing the familiar darkness.

The answers that once made sense to him dissolved as soon as the crowd left the stadium. Once Kiro decided to dig deeper into the foundation that his morals and pride were built upon, he realized that it was as stable as sand and as firm as glass—shattered and scattered about with the first gust of wind.

Suddenly, there was no purpose for his existence again. No one was there to tuck him into bed and kiss his forehead and wish him a happy birthday. He was falling asleep completely alone. He was back to daydreaming about being up on stage. And after his life ended… once again, the only ones who were left to mourn him were the water, the feathers, and the gloomy night sky.

How would he be able to face his younger self and tell him that nothing had changed from then? That the moments of torture and disappearances and disarray and heartache equated to nothing?

That the thing that he spent his entire life chasing turned out not to be what he had craved?

Everyone loved Kiro, but no one loved subject 1562.

Just a few minutes ago, Kiro would not have been able to explain the heavy loneliness that seized up his heart from time to time. It just didn’t make sense to him how the whole world could love him, yet he still felt so alone. But now he knew the reason. Perhaps it was because everyone loved only half of him. The radiant half. The one that glowed like the sun. But light cannot exist without darkness. So who would love 1562? The shy, quiet boy that had been abandoned far too many times. The one that didn’t glow quite as bright, but was just as important. No one will ever truly love him because no one will truly understand him or the things that he’s been through. The people who loved him only loved him temporarily and superficially. Even his agent—the one that had been with him all these years, through thick and thin, didn’t really know him. No one knew him except…

Except for his mentor and the girl. The only two people who were able to love and accept him just the way he was. With all of his imperfections and all of his flaws. But Master Key had been missing for years now. And the girl… he hadn’t seen her since the orphanage. He wasn’t even sure that she was still alive, much less her whereabouts.

No one could truly love him but those two people.

And if he couldn’t find them? What would happen to him then? Would he spend all of his birthdays alone?

No…

Like a singular star in the expansive galaxy, Kiro felt entirely isolated and so difficult to reach. If only a brave astronaut could travel the distance and pick him out from the vast skies.

Was it too much to ask for? Was he being too selfish?

Kiro’s hands balled into tight fists as he whispered a silent prayer into the night.

‘I don’t have a cake or a candle to light… but please… the one who makes birthday wishes come true… please let me find them…’

***

“Kiro… are you in there? Can I come in?” You called out through the thick wooden door of Kiro’s dressing room.

There were some rustling noises before he called out in a raspy voice, “Come in!”

Without a second thought, you swung open the door, and with the biggest grin you could muster, you exclaimed, “Happy birthday, Ki—”

You paused. Kiro was nowhere in sight.

You looked around the room in confusion when you finally spotted him draped over the brown leather couch, blue eyes wide with shock. As the realization set, you quickly covered your mouth with your hands, as if to take back your sudden proclamation.

“Oh gosh. I am so sorry… were you sleeping?”

“Miss Chips… what are you doing here?”

You gestured around vaguely, “Umm… surprise? I was supposed to wait back for you at the hotel room but I just couldn’t wait to see you.”

Kiro had been away on tour for a whole month already. Your desire to see him could not be contained any longer, so you decided on scrapping your earlier plan of greeting him at his hotel. Instead, you dragged all of your suitcases to the venue he was performing at to see him as soon as you landed.

Kiro blinked. He looked like a lost puppy. It seemed as if many thoughts were running through his mind at this moment.

Finding his behavior cute, you crouched down to him and kissed the top of his head, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted so loudly earlier… You look really tired.”

“I missed you too.”

Kiro took your hand and gently brought it to his lips. Then he intertwined your fingers together as if to make sure that you weren’t going to leave.

Upon seeing your reddened face, Kiro’s lips curved into that familiar charming smile, “You’re so lovely, you know that? You didn’t even leave your suitcases before seeing me. It makes me so happy knowing that you missed me as much as I missed you.”

“Of course, I missed you Kiro! And, it’s almost midnight. I had to wish you a happy birthday,” you suddenly frowned, “don’t tell me that you’ve forgotten about your birthday again.”

“How could I? I’m turning 23 today,” there was a short pause before Kiro began to speak again, “It’s true what they say, yeah? Time really flies, doesn’t it?”

“...You sound like an old man.”

You both burst out into giggles upon that statement. After a moment though, Kiro looked at you with sincerity in his eyes.

“No, but really. Since I’ve met you—my life has just… felt like a dream. And I know it sounds cheesy but… every day we spend together just… seems to speed past. I am so grateful that you’re here with me today.”

A quietness spread over you for a long time, until finally, you met Kiro’s eyes, “Where else would I be?”

“Where else were you every April 9th for the past 22 years?”

You playfully rolled your eyes, “Whatever. I’m here now. That’s all that matters. Come on, let’s get back. We still have a birthday cake to eat. And—not to brag, but I think I’ve outdone myself with your gift this time.”

“Oh? Well then, I hope I won’t be disappointed.”

You left the room hand-in-hand, laughing and talking about nothing. The domestic atmosphere made Kiro’s heart feel full, as if he was finally satisfied.

Suddenly, Kiro realized that this was the sole purpose of his existence. He didn’t need the massive crowds screaming his name, as long as his name was in your heart alone. There was no need to daydream about anything more because you were already everything he had hoped for. You were the thing he spent his entire life chasing.

You were his loved one. And you were by his side just as Master Key had hoped.

Everything he needed to be happy was already right here.

[visenyaism]

i don’t know about you guys but the main reason i am still on tumblr in 2024 is BECAUSE it is the most cloutless least influential social media app out there and that is the experience i am after. absolutely none of this will ever translate into significant attention or real success in my life and that is so beautiful.

[skrunksthatwunk]

see 0 note flop posts aren't that bad when they're personal but 0 note fandom posts feel literally so bad. like if you don't wanna play toys with me anymore just say that. i'll pack up my super cool awesome things and go and i'll sit on the other side of the playground by myself and i won't even look at you. fuck

[bixels]

“America has no culture” is an inherently racist statement. Especially when talking about California, which has enormous populations (yes, plural) of Hispanic and Asian immigrants.

It’s such a self report that you see the American hegemony, the American monolith, as a singularly white entity that’s worthy of scorn. I want that person to look at the Black American NYC Miku design and tell me with their full chest that that isn’t culture. Especially when modern pop culture owes so much to Black American culture — hip hop, language, streetwear and fashion, pop music, jazz — as is actively erasing their roots, saying all of America has no culture is a dumbass statement.

Also, “all the US Mikus are dressed in generic casual street style for coolish weather.” The original Brazilian Miku is wearing sunglasses, a crop top, short shorts, a bikini, and flip flops you absolute dunce. If you’re gonna be rude at least be consistent.

[funkle420]

no talk me i angy cant stop thinking about my girlfriend who's been kidnapped by a crazy powerful ancient magician

[kaet-draws]

…in the field, the ground warms as blood seeps into the dirt. (Nathaniel Orion G. K, "הבל | hevel")

[peachsukii]

The shower is a safe space for you to cry, to drain all of the pent up emotion you've held onto. Plus, it's the best place to hide this side of you from your roommate, Bakugo, whom you've had a crush on for ages. You did your damndest to hide your sorrow from him, not because you're ashamed, but you didn't want to sour the mood of the apartment. You two were good friends, you didn't need to bring down the vibe by whining about how sad you are.

You don't hear the front door to your apartment open and him announcing he's home like usual. He's not supposed to be home for hours, but unexpectedly got off of work early. The sound of the water hides his presence from you; however, it doesn't mute the sobs coming from the other side of the bathroom door.

His heart drops into his stomach, he's never heard you cry like that before.

Bakugo rushes to the door and hesitates. Maybe you wanted to be alone, but he couldn't just sit in the apartment and wait for you to stop crying. Would it be better to sit on the couch and wait it out? For you to come to him?

Logically, yes.

But he wasn't thinking logically.

He taps his knuckles against the door a few times.

"Hey, y'okay?" Bakugo calls out, waiting for your answer with baited breath. He hears you gasp, sniffling and coughing before composing yourself.

"Oh...I didn't think you'd be home, Kat. I'm fine."

"You're a shit liar, y'know," he teases, but you don't laugh. "Seriously, though. Are you okay?"

You hold your breath, debating on whether or not to tell him the truth. Your answer slips out before you could stop yourself.

"...No."

It's a split second decision, but Bakugo opens the door and barges into the bathroom. He's rips back the shower curtain and carefully steps in behind you in a hurry, fully clothed, ignoring your obvious shock to his assertiveness. You're trying to shield yourself from him seeing you naked, but that all fades away when you feel his body engulf yours, holding you close against him under the stream of water.

He's so...warm.

"You can always tell me when somethin's wrong. Don't think I can't tell, or that I don't hear you cryin' at night. I don't want ya to hide from me," Bakugo whispers above you, hand holding the back of your head against his chest. "You're not alone, sweetheart."

You have no control over the tears rushing down your cheeks, mixing with the hot water and soaking into his clothes. You're shaking as you snake your arms around his waist and grip onto him for dear life.

No one's ever shown you this kind of support before - this kind of love.

"I got ya," he assures as he squeezes you tightly. "I'll stay as long as you want me to."

[radittsu]

everybody congratulate him

[egophiliac]

Hi it's just to let you know that the official romanization of Revaan's name is Raverne ! Also they have romanized Baul's name to Baur !

Twst coming back at us again with the least expected romanization! thank you everybody (oh god my inbox) (no it's great, I literally asked for this and the reactions have been INCREDIBLE, thank you all!)

I do like Raverne though, I think it's got a nice fancy sound to it! (I had kinda suspected it was going to be an R instead of an L, so the fact that it's SO close to Laverne except for that is hilarious to me personally.) and Dragoneye Duke is honestly probably the best translation for his title, I wasn't envying the localizers that one. :') Baur instead of Baul I was NOT expecting, but in retrospect I think his name's supposed to be a reference to the Bauru crocodile, so that actually makes way more sense!

someone else also said Meleanor has become Maleanor, which is the REALLY weird one to me, because I was so surprised it was written as Mel instead of Mal in the first place?! oh god no I can't decide which one I like better. 😭 (I wonder if they might change it to Mal...they have made romanization changes before) (like I remember House of Distraction being corrected to House of Destruction in Playful Land) (I did check and she's still Mel for now, but I dunno, they might Mal her up and some point and save me from having to make a decision about which one to use) (HECK I CAN'T DECIDE)

uhhhh thank you for letting me ramble about anime names, let's just say MONOGRAMMED SWEATERS FOR EVERYONE

[warren-keplers-funk-band]

they would have been besties

[gogodollie]

"sister imperator won’t call copia his title because she doesn’t want to give him an ounce of respect/power!!!!!!!" she won’t call him by his title because she was bouncing on nihil’s dick while calling him papa and she does NOT need to associate copia with that

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

[dapper-lil-arts]

You try to do a favor for a friend, but

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.

[bumfuzzled-bee]

!! Lil guys !!

[duckiemimi]